Whether you believe in God or not, I believe most of us do believe that God is all knowing and has the ability to impede or prevent anything if he chooses. So, why doesn’t he? Why doesn’t he act in times of sinful offenses like sexual abuse, etc.?
For years, I remember carrying anger and bitterness toward God because I couldn’t understand where was he throughout my childhood sexual, physical or emotional abuse. Why didn’t he stop those who took advantage of me and my innocence’s? Why did he not punish those who knew or suspected what was going on, or those who stood idle and did little or nothing to protect me? I questioned what kind of God was he supposed to be that lets something as evil as this to happen and do nothing.
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| Lori Dixon |
I remember, for a little over 7 years, I abandoned God. I despised the ground he walked on. I stopped believing and blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in my life. I blamed him for all the madness that I saw going on around me in the world. It was his fault. He is to blame because he did nothing to stop it.
That was my logic. I wouldn’t declare that I had become an atheist, but I was heading in that direction. For years, I had allowed my personal experience and pain to trap me into a web of lies about God. Causing me to misdirect the blame, who was really at fault for the destruction I was exposed to at an early age. The true protagonists in my story remind hidden for many years.
The problem really lies in my perspective – my disposition to see what was taking place behind the scene on my behalf – things and revelations I would not be privy to until years later as God revealed them to me through people and confirmed visions. The mistake I made early on was that I never allowed God to answer any of my disturbing questions. I never sought him or gave him the opportunity to answer the whys, how come, where was he. I never listened to his voice. I never allowed him to show me what he was really doing to intervene in the tragedies that had happened in my life. I just assumed he didn’t care. He allowed these things to happen, even though he could have stopped it. That he was no different than the people around me.
Two decades will pass before those questions would be answered for me. And when they were, I realized, I spent a good part of my life harboring anger, resentment, and bitterness for NOTHING. That I could have prevented so many of my self-afflicted scars if I would have waited long enough to hear God’s voice. If I would have allowed him to show me the truth behind the scenes. If I would have allowed him to unrattled the lies that Satan had tricked me to believe about God and his role in my plight.
I want to share a segment of this unrattling of lies in hopes that it will help someone to uncover the truth in their tragic story.
There were a few scriptures I remembered God showed me to unrattled the lies I had come to believe within. The latter part of 2 Peter 3:9 says “He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.” There were many people who played a part into my plight. My stepfather who took advantage of me and sexually abused me. My parents who did not properly protect me, nor helped me to properly heal from my experience. The secrets others kept, whether they knew or suspected. Those who were in a position of power to act and didn’t. Some religious leaders who were aware and stood by and did nothing – they washed their hands and excused themselves from getting involved. The legal system who did not implement nor enforced stiff enough laws and penalties when the crime was uncovered. The Church for looking the other way and did not provide proper covering and grace for me nor my family that was broken from the experience. There was a long list of people and agencies God named. Too long to name here.
Then God showed me where at different stages before the abuse took place, during the abuse, and afterward, how he sent different individuals to change and motivated people’s heart to either do the right thing, to help or to influence one to change their sinful ways. The Apostle James was right in saying, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin (James 4:17, ESV). The Apostle Mark adds, “What comes out of a person is what defiles, (NOT GOD BUT), him. For from within, out of the man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness….” (Mark 7:20-23, ESV) The latter part of verse 23 nails it home. “All these evil things come from WITHIN….” There it is. The answer I’ve been searching for all these years for my misdirected blame. IT WAS NEVER GOD! But, all those God had named to me, who all played a part directly or indirectly in my abuse. Those who knew and did little or nothing to correct the matter in acting out in the name of justice. Those who kept the secret and stood by and looked the other way. God was demanding and working for JUSTICE on my behalf.
And yet, through it all, it was and is God’s desires for all those involved to repent. Genuinely repent and turn away from ever repeating the same sin, the same act again – whatever their roles were (2 Peter 3:9). God was looking and trying to create a situation where everyone who had sinned against me could be corrected and saved. That is always his desire.
There is always a season for everyone to repent and to make a wrong a right, which is why verse 9 of 2 Peter 3 says, “… God isn’t really being slow….” Not being slow about what? In my situation, he was not being slow in acting out on my behalf. Although I could not see what all he was doing behind the scene. As soon as the evil seed was planted in my stepfather’s heart, God went to war on my behalf to prevent it. Remember what God said to Cain, Able’s brother before Cain murdered Able? God warned Cain that sin was crouching at his door and that he needed to master it – get control over it before it took control over him (Genesis 4:6). Through God’s word, he has always warned men and women many times over before they act out sinfully. And the case with my stepfather was no different. God was working behind the scenes. I learned later that there were individuals who didn’t know directly what my stepfather was up to, but God sent them to warn him to stop it. But, he, my stepfather, was too far gone and didn’t heed the warnings. It has only been recently that I learned that eventually, several of my uncles got together and showed up at my stepfather’s job and put a fear in him that finally freed my family from this man’s grip. Lord knows the difference it would have made in my spirit if I knew what they had done during that time.
There was so much evidence God has given me to show me that he was there, working things out on my behalf; although, I was unaware of how hard God was working to prevent and later free me from the hands of the snake that was choking the life out of my family (John 10:10). And to this very day, we all are still suffering in one way or another from that one act of sin against my flesh.
And let me add, at that time, I didn’t understand that even though I was the main victim in my story, I was not the only person that God was trying to save. God is a God of justice. He loves everyone. Everyone, no matter what role they play in my story. The perpetrator, no matter his or her crime. The protagonist. The antagonist. The tempter. The skeptics, etc. All the people who played a role in my tragic story, God wants to save them all. And he has been and is doing the same in your traumatic story too.
God is there. Right there in the mix fighting for you. Trying to unrattle the lies and uncover the truth to rescue and defend you. But he cannot ignore his love for justice for all in the process.
Photo CR: Lori Dixon
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