At Times I Became Upset With My Mother Because Of My Same-Sex Attraction

I have to admit. I found myself struggling emotionally as I listened to some of the stories of these mothers who have children in the LGBT community. I am taken aback by how many mothers confessed, they noticed at an early age, their son or daughter exhibiting behaviors that were not considered socially normal.

Let me explain what I mean. As an adult, when I internalized my same-sex attraction – I tried to

understand why I felt the way I did? Why could I not shake it? What was wrong with me, etc.? There were times I became upset with my mother during these times and I did not understand why.

Okay, this is harder than I thought because I must reopen my Pandora’s box to expose Family Lies and Secrets to continue my forward progress of healing from my past and to help others to really benefit from my story. (Also, see chapter 5 in my book, Surrendering: A Blueprint of My Life).

The Memory: I was maybe 12 or 13 years old. My mother had taken us kids to visit with one of her girlfriends who had a son around the same age as my brother. At some point, all the kids went outside to play. I was in one of my moods, so I stayed behind and sat quietly in the back bedroom. While I was there, I overheard the conversation between my mother and her girlfriend. At some point, my mother’s friend asked, “Well, what will you do if she turns out gay?” A few seconds passed without anything being said. Then my mother said, “I don’t know. It’s her choice. But I would love her regardless.”

So, my mother was aware. She was an indirect eyewitness to a few incidents during my childhood that clearly indicated which way I was headed if no intervention took place. Yet, years later, my mother would utter the words that she did not know. I don’t know, maybe she forgot. Or, maybe she too repressed some of her memories. Either way, this matter was left unchecked and unaddressed during my childhood.

Looking back, from my perspective, my mother was aware of my same-sex attraction. But I don’t recall once during my childhood were my mother addressed my struggles with me. I never recall my mother helping me to sort out my inappropriate mindset or desire. So as an adult, when I internalized my same-sex attraction, I remembered many times getting angry with my mother. At the time, I did not know why.

Writings of Christian Lesbian Blog

My conversations with some mothers of gays and lesbians’ children helped me to recently understand my frustrations during those times. Deep inside of me, I wanted my mother to rescue me from myself - from my same-sex attraction that kept rearing its little head from time to time. At that time, I needed my mother’s loving support, guidance, direction and correction. I needed her to tell me that she understood my confusion and even my curiosity, but then show me why my desires were wrong.

At least, the silver lining in the stories of these mothers’ stories that I was privy to hear, they are talking with their adult gay and lesbian, sons and daughters about their attractions. They are showing and expressing them unconditional love. They are patiently waiting for windows of opportunities to help their adult children to sort through their life choices. I applaud these women because they are determined to save their adult children despite their children’s plight. They are expressing the same unconditional love as Christ has expressed for all mankind.

Romans 5:6, 8

6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. 8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (KJV). 

Yes, mothers need to love their children unconditionally, but it must be done with balance - balance that will help to liberate their children. I don’t know any child who don’t want or need to have the acceptance, love, guidance and direction from their parents. But, in the same token, a child needs constant and at times firm, correction. If only my mother would have corrected my mindset, my inappropriate desires at an early age, instead of just accepting it. I have to admit, there are times I wonder, would it have made the difference? I guess I will never know.